5 Brutal Realities of Being a Leader (How to Survive)

 There’s a dark side to leadership.

And no, I’m not talking about Darth Vader.

I’m talking about 5 brutal realities that people in leadership roles face every day.

If you’re a leader, you know all about it.

If you’re an aspiring leader, you NEED to know all about it.

Because you might find yourself wanting to stay far, far away from leadership after you hear what I have to say in this episode.

On the other hand, if the challenge inspires you, you at least need to go in with your eyes wide open and be ready with some strategies to navigate the dark side of leadership.

To be clear, I’m not just going to talk about the bad stuff; nobody wants that.

I’m going to share some tips and insights that have personally helped me and may help you as well.

I’m also going to give you specific resources for each section to provide you with even more value as you try to sort through the realities of leadership.

I don’t want these realities to keep you from stepping into leadership or to break you down in the middle of your leadership journey.

And be sure to stick around until the end.

I sort of saved the most intense for last.

The last two are admittedly the hardest.

And I don’t hear many people talking about them.

But we really need to.

Okay, let’s dive in!

I’m going to start with one of the more obvious and universal struggles of leadership.

#1 DECISION FATIGUE

A study published by the Wall Street Journal estimated that American adults make an average of 35,000 decisions a day.

The more decisions you make, the more the connection between the prefrontal cortex and amygdala weakens.

As this happens, the brain starts to look for shortcuts.

These shortcuts are like symptoms.

They manifest in four primary ways: procrastination, impulsivity, avoidance, and indecision.

Now, this is how it works for the average American adult.

Leaders, however, are put in an even more tumultuous position.

Because leadership isn’t just about making decisions—it’s about making the right ones at the right time.

Jeff Bezos of Amazon talks about this all the time.

He says that if you’re a senior executive, you’re not being paid to make thousands of decisions; you’re paid to make a small number of really high-quality decisions.

Bezos says that if he makes just three decisions a day, that's enough.

The higher up in leadership you climb, the higher the quality of your decision-making needs to be.

In other words, decision fatigue is the enemy of leadership.

So, what do we do about this?

Well, a lot of seasoned leaders have given us some ideas.

You may be familiar with some of the decision hacks that leaders like former President Obama or Facebook Cofounder Mark Zuckerberg have shared in the past.

For instance, they will wear the same outfit every day to remove the daily decision of what to wear.

They’ll stick to the same routine every single day to remove daily scheduling decisions.

Some leaders will eat the same foods every single day to avoid having to decide what to eat.

The goal is to avoid making trivial decisions to preserve mental energy and decision-making power for the most important ones.

Here are a few ways to go about this…

First, streamline your decision-making.

This would include eliminating unnecessary decisions and automating others.

Second, delegate as many decisions as you possibly can.

Third, optimize when and how you make decisions so that they’re as high-quality as possible.

This would include prioritizing sleep quality, nutrition, the timing of your decision-making, and other variables that affect decision-making quality.

I’ve put my top book recommendations for this particular category in the description below, or if you’re listening via podcast, you’ll find them in the show notes.

This is a hard reality of leadership.

It takes a lot of discipline to get it consistently right.

But you can do it!

Okay, here’s the second reality of leadership.

#2 THE “MICHAEL SCOTT” REALITY

If you’ve seen the TV show “The Office,” then this will make sense to you.

Michael Scott is the boss.

All Michael wants is to love and be loved by his employees, but the employees just view him as a boss.

The dynamic in the show is funny, but the reality is actually really sad.

Sometimes, the leader is just the elephant in the room.

People may be uncomfortable around you.

Maybe they feel like they're walking on eggshells or can’t truly let their hair down around you.

The fact of the matter is that you, as the leader, are an authority figure.

This is a reality that impacts the relational dynamics between you and your team.

I think there’s a certain amount of separation that is appropriate, and you have to accept.

I’m talking about basic relational boundaries.

I’m a firm believer in relational boundaries.

You’ve got to have those.

However, I’m also very close with my team.

Here’s how we navigate this within our organization.

We refer to it as the corporate, community, and cause hats…

Of course, I’m not referring to a physical hat but rather the type of interaction we need to have.

If I have the corporate hat on, then I’m having a conversation with you as an executive about corporate matters.

If I have the community hat on, then I’m having a conversation as a friend or confidant about personal or social matters.

I I have the cause hat on, then I’m having a conversation with you as a general or leader about the mission, vision, or values.

We wear all of these hats in life.

In a healthy workplace, we learn to wear all three interchangeably.

The way to combat a “Michael Scott” reality is to get corporate, community, and cause in the DNA of your culture.

This opens the door to building meaningful relationships with your team, even if you’re the leader.

Okay, moving on.

#3 HIGH STAKES

When you’re just working a job, the stakes are relatively low.

You may play an essential part in the system, but you’re not ultimately responsible for the outcomes.

The leader is.

You see, when you enter into a leadership position, the stakes are much higher.

You don’t have a safety net anymore.

YOU are ultimately responsible for the outcomes.

You’re not just responsible for yourself anymore.

You’re responsible for the overarching success or failure.

Your ability to lead also directly impacts the ones you’re leading.

These are people who may have a family they’re providing for.

Your success as a leader directly impacts their ability to do that.

That’s a lot of pressure!

Assuming you’re a decent person who actually cares about the livelihood of your team, you don’t want to let them down.

You don’t want to lead them astray.

The stakes are high for you!

Can you handle that kind of pressure, that kind of weight?

And look… the bigger the thing you lead gets… the higher and higher the stakes get.

For many leaders, the pressure gets too great to handle, and they crack.

We’ve all seen it. We read the stories.

So, what do we do about this?

One of the best things a leader can do for their team is to maintain their own health and wellness.

That may sound selfish on the surface, but it’s actually critical.

It’s often said, “So goes the leader, so goes the team.”

Or in parenting terms, “More is caught than taught.”

Well, if you let yourself fall into bad habits, destructive patterns, moral failure, and the like…

What do you think is going to happen to your team?

If you stop learning and growing?

What’s going to happen?

You’ll become irrelevant. And so will the team you lead.

You see, your personal health and growth are the most important things you can offer your team.

So goes the leader, so goes the team.

This is one of the best ways to combat the high-stakes environment.

Instead of rolling over on your belly and surrendering to the pressures of leadership, roll up your sleeves and fight the good fight.

You aren’t born a great leader; you have to become one.

You have to rise to the occasion.

You have to be faithful to the growth journey.

Yes, the stakes are high.

But your purpose is higher.

Rise to it.

This brings me to the next leadership reality.

This is where things get a little harder and a little heavier.

#4 LEADERS ATTRACT ENEMIES

I’ll be transparent: this is one of the realities I struggle with most.

Leadership demands that you forsake what people think of you in order to do what’s right.

A leader has to make the decisions that nobody else wants to make.

A leader has to step in and lead when nobody else will.

A leader to do what others are unwilling to do.

People might think it’s nice being the leader until it comes to standing the gap.

That phrase, standing in the gap, actually originates from the Bible, where a breached city wall made the inhabitants vulnerable to attack.

To "stand in the gap" meant a soldier would risk their own life to defend that vulnerable spot and hold back the enemy.

That’s what a leader does.

And yeah… You quickly become public enemy number one.

If an important decision that will negatively impact morale needs to be made… It’s the leader’s job.

Not too long ago, we experienced a global crisis. If you were in leadership at that time, you know how hard that was.

You had to lead through one of the most disillusioning times in recent history.

If you sneezed the wrong way, you’d be burned at the stake.

There’s a reason so many leaders threw in the towel during that time.

Leaders attract enemies.

I was recently talking with a mentor about this reality, and he mentioned how people rarely show the humility and maturity to look beyond themselves and understand the leader’s role in the situation.

For instance, when people are let go, their pride can rarely stomach the notion that they might truly be the problem.

Instead, they develop a narrative where the leader is the enemy in the situation.

Now, I’m not saying that the leader is always right.

But I am saying that more often than not, everyone wants to follow the leader until it no longer benefits them.

They’re happy to let the leader stand in the gap as long as it makes it easy for themselves…

But they’re just as quick to crucify the leader when the leader challenges them on the hard things.

I’ve been a leader long enough to accrue quite a few enemies by standing up for what I believe to be right.

I’ve had to let people go, I’ve had to make unpopular decisions, I’ve had to hold people accountable, I’ve had to be the bearer of bad news…

I’ve had to stand in the gap.

That’s what a leader does.

And I’m sure you’ve had your own hits and hurts.

I’m sure you have you’re own list of people that view you as the enemy.

And you know…

I’ve just got to say… This reality of leadership…. Is really hard.

I wish I had a solution for you.

I wish I had some secret hack or tip that helped.

But I don’t.

All I can say, is that you need to have thick skin.

You need to be able to take some hits, and get back up.

You need to be resilient in the face of adversity.

This leads me to the final reality of leadership.

#5 LEADERSHIP IS LONELY

All of the realities we’ve discussed culminate in this final reality.

Sometimes, you feel alone in your struggles as a leader.

You feel like nobody else can quite relate to you.

You feel like you carry a weight that other people can’t quite understand fully.

I watch The Lord of the Rings trilogy every year.

In fact, I’ve watched and discussed it with my team countless times because it’s a masterclass on leadership.

It’s not a nerd thing, guys… It’s legit.

I’ve always felt like the entire Fellowship of the Ring represents every leadership style and leadership season.

Gandalf obviously has the great wisdom and guidance of a tenured leader.

Sam has the leadership of service and encouragement.

Aragorn embodies courageous leadership in its purest form.

And I’ve always felt like Frodo represents the weight of leadership.

The burden.

The loneliness.

Sometimes the burden you carry as a leader makes you feel like you're on the outside of everyone else’s experience.

You just feel alone.

I’ll be honest: sometimes I feel like the only person who understands some of what I experience is my dad.

My dad's a great leader.

He’s been faithful to his Pastoral leadership role for over 33 years.

He understands the harsh realities of leadership better than anyone.

When I talk with him about it…

It’s like I finally feel seen… I finally feel understood.

I don’t feel lonely anymore.

This is one of the reasons why I started this community.

I don’t want you to feel alone in this.

Maybe… Just maybe… By being honest about the struggles…

We can become more resilient.

Maybe if we treat each other like fellow soldiers instead of competitors or enemies…

We could actually help each other bear the burden of leadership.

You’re not alone.

Let’s stay resilient together.

Keep fighting the good fight.

I’ll see you again real soon!